OFUST: DS9
by Hellfire04
Summary: An OFUM spin-off written with the permission of Miss Camilla Sandman.
1. Default Chapter

**Official Fanfiction University of Star Trek: Deep Space Nine.**

_Author:_ Hellfire

_Author's Notes:_ This is a spin-off of OFUM, written with the prior permission of Camilla Sandman (Miss Cam), fellow GAFFer and friend. I've also had to re-upload this first chapter to make a minor change. Mini-Balrogs and now Mini-Tribbles.

_DISCLAIMER:_ Star Trek is the property of Paramount/Viacom, nothing to the contrary is being expressed or implied, this is written for entertainment purposes only and no money is being made. Caitlin and any other original characters are my own creation.

* * *

**Chapter One: A breach in the Space-time continuum**

One day, a girl sat down to her computer. She logged in and opened Microsoft Word as she contemplated her plot. She was going to get Bashir in bed, just as it had been before, just as it would always be. She was part way through her story; she had impressed the Doctor already, and now was the time to do more.

_He would invited me 2 teh holowdek, and I said I goes w/ him. He looks soooooo sexy stand their w/ his chesie grin. Jadzear is getting jelos as she scowlz me cuz she wanna 2 time worf we got 2 the holowdec an he asks if I wanna hav sex w/ him an I says yea!!!!!_

Just then the computer shorted out, leaving nothing but a black screen. "_DAMN IT" _she cursed as she turned the chair around. She was going to get herself a cup of coffee and maybe a chocolate bar or two. She needed a sugar-high to write much more. She'd also need considerable patience to re-boot the computer again. So as she stood up to head towards her bedroom door, she froze dead in her tracks. Right by the door was two junior Starfleet Officers.

"Hold it right there Miss Caitlin Barker." One of them said.

_Okay, I've gone mad._ _Star Trek is fiction, and here in my room are two fit security officers. _She thought to herself as she made a run for the door.

The officers held her back. "Wait a minute, we don't want to stun you ma'am, but there is something here we want you to see."

"What the hell are you doing in my room? How did you get in here?" Caitlin asked.

"How we got here doesn't matter, it's what why we're here that will interest you the most."

Caitlin was puzzled. Two fictional characters were standing right in front of her, in her bedroom no less. There were only a few plausible explanations: she could be dreaming, she could have been going mad, or the Star Trek universe was real and that those men were from the future. She really hoped that it was the former. "Why?" She asked weakly.

"Miss Barker, we were here to invite you to the Official Fanfiction University of Star Trek Deep Space Nine. All courses are run at Utopia Planetia and include field trips to popular resorts around the galaxy. You do not have to enroll, but if you choose not to then you will not get your certificate at the end. The same goes for if you quit, which you are within your rights to do at any time."

"Why do I need a certificate?"

"The certificate is a license to write Star Trek DS9 fanfiction."

"Since when do I need one of them?" Caitlin spat angrily. _The fucking nerve! I can already write it, I have been doing for months!_

"I know what you're thinking." One of the men said, "It makes no difference, your fanfiction has been found to be substandard to say the least. At OFUST: DS9, you'll learn everything you need to know. Lectures cover a wide variety of topics from the latest in Technobabble and Technology to Intergalactic Politics and Cultural History. There will also be lectures on mini-Tribbles and shipping."

Caitlin though for a moment, "But then what happens to my life here, I can't just go my mom will think I've been abducted or something. Shouldn't I ask her first?"

"The course doesn't take place in real-time. You will be returned to this exact moment in time upon completion or termination of the course. Therefore, it will in no way affect your life in the early 21st century. There are no fees either; Federation citizens do not use money in the 24th Century."

Caitlin didn't know what to do, if this was indeed a dream, then why not go to this University? "I'll go." She said.

"Okay, we'll just need your signature on this piece of paper, and then we can take you to full enrollment."

Caitlin signed the document and felt a strange tingle in her body as the transporter took her to another place and time.


	2. OFUST: DS9 2

**Chapter Two: Utopia Planetia**

* * *

Caitlin rematerialized on a transported pad. She appeared to be in what looked like one of those small ships that are inside of bigger ships. What those little ships were called escaped her at the moment, but before she had time to ponder, she found herself face to face with somebody she recognized. She was standing less than two meters from Odo.

"Caitlin Barker I assume?" He asked in his usual gruff voice.

"Yes." She answered.

"Good take a seat over there with the other entrants." Odo gestured towards a group of other students to be.

Caitlin took a seat next to another girl, "What's your name?"

"I'm Juliana Troi." She said, "I just got whisked away from my bedroom by these two dorky guys who reckon I need an education on writing."

"That's exactly what happened to me." Caitlin said.

"What course are you doing?" asked Juliana.

"OFUST: DS9"

"Just the one?" she said, as if amazed. "I've got to do the OFUST: VOY course as well. You see I like writing crossovers, and often I have both casts on Deep Space Nine."

"Wow, you must be real talented. I never thought of writing crossovers. I mostly write just Deep Space Nine fics, but I like to put myself in the scene too you know."

"You have the hots for O'Brien too?"

Caitlin laughed, "O'Brien? No, just that sexy doctor."

Juliana laughed too, "I can see how he can be appealing. Do you ever write slash?"

"Sometimes," Caitlin answered honestly, "only if I can be the third party though."

"I'm a slasher, big time. I love writing O'Brien/Tom Paris fics, they make such a cute couple."

The whole thing seemed absurd to Caitlin, not sexy at all. _Whatever floats her boat_ she thought.

Just then Odo spoke up as the little ship came to a stop, "We're here, this is Utopia Planetia."

The airlock at the back of the ship opened and they all stepped outside onto the grass. The air was so fresh and clean, and the color of the landscape could be seen as clearly at the horizon as right up close. The sun was out but was not so bright as to hurt their eyes.

"Right then," said Odo, "follow me."

The small group followed Odo into a large building. Caitlin noticed a small cabinet with golden model ships inside, looking almost like the ones Captain Picard used to have. It had been a long time since she had watched _The Next Generation_. They finally reached a hall which was already packed with newcomers.

Caitlin and Juliana sat on the end of one of the benches, one of the few free spaces left. Just then five high ranking Starfleet Officers walked into the room, to the front of the hall as the voices died and the hall fell silent.

One of them stepped up, "Hello, I am Admiral James T. Kirk, this is Admiral Jean-Luc Picard, Captain Benjamin Sisko, Admiral Kathryn Janeway and of course Captain Jonathan Archer. You should be familiar with all of us, but if you're not, that's okay, we're here to teach you."

Picard spoke up, "This University offers five courses, TOS, TNG, DS9, VOY and ENT. Some modules overlap for all courses, these include modules on Technology and Species Cultural History. Some however are unique to your own course, Shipping for example. Students studying more than one course will be required to do an add-on seminar for a special license to do crossovers."

"The course coordinator is Hellfire," Continued Sisko, "If you have any queries as to the contents of your course, or grievances, please bring them to her. Also be aware that the holodecks are available as a learning resource to any students wishing to test out a plot scenario. However, they are not available for recreational use until you have successfully completed your first year at OFUST."

Then it was Janeway's turn to speak, "Your field trips will consist of important locations. Many of you studying VOY will be expected to visit Talax and Ocampa, whereas those who are studying DS9 may find themselves visiting Ferenginar or Cardassia. Many locations, like Vulcan are a requirement for all students. You see where I'm going with this? If you don't then you'll soon find out."

Jonathan Archer was the last to speak to the bewildered gathering, "I'd just like to add that your belongings and all course material will be found in your quarters. Right, now we need to split you up into smaller groups so that you may be escorted to your quarters. Self-insertion writers, would you come over into this corner please. I think we'll have slashers and MPreg writers over here, exclusive lemon writers over here and… um… How about we put the Issues writers here, and the Not Work Safe authors over here. Perhaps we can have crossover writers over there and miscellaneous other writers over there." He finished gesturing directions, and then each group was assigned a guide.

Caitlin realized that she was not going to be sharing quarters with Juliana after all, which was a shame. They did have differences in fanfiction taste, but they could still exchange some raving reviews if they liked.

The dorm guide turned out to be an ex-student who graduated five years ago. Sito Vnhorri was her name. She quietly but quickly took them to their block, giving each student their deck and room number. Caitlin was to reside in C.3.b, whatever that meant.

Caitlin entered the turbolift and realized that there was no lift numbers. Confused, she asked Sito, "Um, how do I work the lift?"

"Just tell it which deck to take you to."

"Deck C, Please." Caitlin said aloud, causing the turbolift to beep and whiz her off two stories higher. _This is just like in the program._ She mused as the doors opened and she laid her eyes upon her floor for the first time.

_Seems like a typical corridor from a starship._ She realized, and she began walking down the lengthy path. The doors were rather spaced out, which seemed a little odd. 001… 002… 003… must be her door. She was just about to enter when her nose made firm contact with the solid tritanium panels in front of her. She was totally bewildered now. "Sito, the door won't open."

"Well you didn't expect it to just open on its own did you?"

Caitlin just stood there unable to say anything. "Say no more. I'll fix the problem." Sito said, looking almost exasperated. "Enter 003, authorization zeta-009."

"Sito, how did you know the code?"

"It's quite simple, all doors on this floor have a zeta coding, and the final code is the square of the door room."

"So anyone can work it out?" Caitlin said dismayed. "That's not very secure is it?"

"No, but your own room will be."

"How?"

"You will be required to set your own code which is to be used in combination with a retinal scan."

"A What?"

"The computer takes a scan of your eyes, and then you set your own code. Therefore in order for you to gain future access to your quarters, you need to let the machine scan your eyes, and say your code. If the two don't match, you don't get it. A retinal scan is as accurate as a fingerprint, so nobody can get in unless you invite them."

Caitlin finally reached her room and allowed the computer to scan her eyeballs, and set her code: J-BASH1R-4-EVA.

As she looked at the pile of books upon her bed, she felt total dismay. There was a form to fill out, to put in Hellfire's in-tray, wherever that was. The form was for final registration. The pile of books was endless, the map of Utopia Planetia looked like a maze, and the subject list horrified her.

Caitlin felt tired and listless, she needed some sleep. There appeared to be no source of food, but she was sure somebody would see to that in the morning. It was getting a bit late after all.

She changed into her Starfleet Issue pajamas and slipped into her bed. The warm covers invited her to doze off into a peaceful sleep, to temporarily forget that she was actually four centuries into the future, and in a place she recognized only from a television show. She fell asleep with the knowledge that TVs and other such things were probably museum pieces by now.


	3. OFUST3

**Chapter 3: Monday Morning Replicator Ridiculousness**

* * *

"The time is 0600 hours." _What is that?_ Caitlin thought. "The time is 0600 hours and seven seconds."_ Shit, we have to get up this early?_ She thought, as she pushed the bed sheets away.

She headed for the bathroom; she needed a good warm shower to start the day. She fumbled around trying to find the light switch. Upon finding none, she wandered out of her room into the brightness of the rest of the flat. A couple of fellow students were already awake.

"Hi, what room do you live in?" Asked the black haired girl sitting closest to her.

"B and you?"

"I live in A, and Cassandra here lives in D."

"What was your name again?" Caitlin asked sheepishly.

"Oh, sorry. I'm DarkLegate."

"Caitlin Barker. By the way, did either of you figure out how to switch the lights on in your room?"

"No" Cassandra said, "but it gets far worse than that."

"Worse?" Caitlin asked, "What do you mean worse? I need a bloody shower. I probably stink to high heaven by now. How the hell am I supposed to look my best?"

"Well, there's nothing to eat here. Notice anything about this kitchen?"

Caitlin took her first proper look around a typical 24th century kitchen. Where was the cooker, the microwave, the toaster, the **food** even? There was only a device sitting in the corner of the room. _That looks familiar. _She thought. _Perhaps if I ask it for food._ She said, "Hold on, I think I know what that is. I've seen it work in a couple of episodes." She walked up to the replicator and said nervously, "Two slices of toast and a cup of coffee please."

The device spoke "There are fourteen varieties of toast and five-hundred varieties of coffee available from this replicator."

"Two slices of white toast with butter and a normal white coffee with two sugars please." Caitlin asked, trying to be helpful.

The toast materialized, but the coffee didn't. "Where is my coffee?"

"Please re-state the question." The replicator said.

"WHERE IS MY COFFEE?" Caitlin shouted. She was getting seriously pissed off now.

"Please re-state the question." It repeated. Caitlin was near to punching the damn thing when the door chimed.

"It's Sito, care to let me in?"

"Enter." Cassandra said.

Sito came in, "Oh, I see you've figured out how to use the replicator."

"Not Quite." DarkLegate said, "It's not giving Caitlin her coffee, she explained to it exactly what she wanted and it isn't working. It keeps asking her to re-state the question."

Sito looked at Caitlin, "What sort of coffee did you ask for?"

"Just normal coffee with milk and two sugars."

"What it wants is the brand name. What kind of coffee do you drink at home?"

"Kenko."

"Right, then ask it for Kenko coffee." Sito explained.

Caitlin stood in front of the replicator having re-gained her composure somewhat. "Kenko coffee with milk and two sugars."

Right before her eyes, her coffee materialized. _Finally, I can actually have a fucking drink now._ She thought sarcastically.

DarkLegate spoke up, "Now we've sorted that problem, we have another problem. We can't find the light switches anywhere."

Sito smiled, "I had the same problem five years ago when I was a beginner student myself. The truth is, there is no switch, you just ask the computer for lights."

Caitlin left her coffee and toast on the table, and walked into her room. "Computer, lights." She said, and the room instantly illuminated. Now she could actually see what she was doing she headed towards the small bathroom pod. The basin and toilet were there, but there appeared to be no shower, just a small looking cubicle. Then she noticed the instructions left on the wall. It was a Sonic Shower, and it used no water.

After she'd figured out that she need only press a button and have done with it, she showered and wrapped her towel around herself. She brushed her teeth and then decided to look for what to wear.

Upon opening the wardrobe she nearly collapsed into a fit of rage, for inside the wardrobe there was only Starfleet Cadet Uniforms. Even the underwear was Starfleet Issue! _These stupid underpants will probably itch like hell! Damn things. Why can't I have my thongs? _She got dressed anyway and tied her hair back into a pony-tail.

Now it was time to look at the floor plans and lecture timetables. Her first lecture was 'Technobabble 101 with Miles Edward O'Brien.' _Should be interesting, perhaps then I'll know how to live in this crazy universe._

A few minutes later she reconvened with her flat mates in the kitchen, to find that they were going to the same lecture as she was. _At least I'll be able to sit by DarkLegate and Cassandra and not on my own._ She ended that thought with finishing her toast and coffee, before it went too cold. Now, how did they do the dishes in the 24th Century?


	4. OFUST4

Chapter 4: Technobabble 101

About an hour after leaving their quarters, Caitlin, DarkLegate and Cassandra found their lecture hall. There was a huge queue to get in. The air was so hot and stuffy that the students could barely breathe. _Never heard of air-conditioning in the 24th century? _Caitlin wondered.

Just then the doors opened, and Chief O'Brien beckoned the class to enter. The lecture hall was massive, but then it had to house over two-hundred or so students. They all walked in, filling up the rows from the back. It seemed that even outside of high school, the dreaded front row was best avoided.

When the hall was finally filled, Chief O'Brien said, "Right, silence now. Welcome to Technobabble 101. In this module, you'll be learning all about the technology behind Star Trek. How things work, why they work, and how to use them. I trust you've all figured out how to use the replicators in your kitchens?" A few red faces appeared when he said that.

"Now a bit more about the contents of this module," He continued, "The first lecture will be about household appliances and how to use them. After that you will all be required to learn about the Warp Drive and the physics behind it, the differences between the tricorders we use in Engineering and the medical tricorders, you will learn the basic differences between different categories of Starship and what they are designed for. Does anyone here know why the USS DEFIANT NX-74205 is different from the USS ENTERPRISE NCC-1701-D?"

The class fell blank. Nobody knew the answer, but with the bunch of drones in the classroom who didn't know synthehol from anything else it was hardly surprising.

O'Brien told them "The basic difference is, the USS-ENTERPRISE NCC-1701-D is a galaxy class starship used for deep space exploration. The UUS DEFIANT NX-74205 is a Defiant class starship used primarily for escort and battle duties. It is also considered to be more of a short range ship. If you see NX in the registration code of a starship, it means that it is the prototype of its class."

"Now back to the subject at hand, I'm going to explain to you about how to use your household technology. Firstly, I noticed that some of you seemed rather embarrassed when I mentioned the replicator. There is no shame in not knowing yet, that's why you're here. A replicator is an item that you use mostly for obtaining food; replicators can also make clothing and certain pieces of engineering devices. They cannot however replicate dilithium crystals, or antimatter. The replicators in your dormitories however, are set up so that they will not give you anything except for food. Has anyone here had success or partial success at using the replicator this morning."

Feeling a bit bold, Caitlin put up her hand, "I got it to give me some toast this morning."

"Good, anyone else?"

A strange boy from further towards the front said, "I got a Raktigino"

"Excellent. I trust that most of you shall now be aware of the fact that you can only get something from a replicator if you tell it what you want specifically. Replicators cannot read minds."

The majority of the class seemed to be near comatose with boredom. A couple of people were whispering at the back. O'Brien noticed this and asked, "Would you two at the back care to share what you're talking about?"

They fell silent. O'Brien said, "Well, perhaps you'd like to give me a three thousand word essay tomorrow morning about replicators and their uses? That goes for the whole class."

Everyone groaned at the prospect. _Three thousand words about replicators? There can't be that much to them surely?_ Caitlin thought. DarkLegate whispered to Caitlin "That's not fair!"

"I know." whispered Caitlin. Fortunately, they didn't get caught whispering too.

"Right, class dismissed, the next lesson will be about Sonic Showers. I hope that by that time you won't all stink the room out."

The class began to move towards the door, towards their next class, 'Sickbay 101 by Julian Bashir.' At least in this class she could meet the man of her dreams, in person. She needed to get to the bathrooms ASAP, check that her hair was still okay.


	5. OFUST5

**Chapter 5: Medical Emergencies**

* * *

Caitlin rushed to the nearest toilet, and studied herself long and hard in the mirror. _Damn it, my hair is a total mess. _She thought. DarkLegate said to her, "Chill out, it's not like first impressions always count."

"But look at my hair, it's sticking up all over the place! Do you have a hair brush I can borrow?"

"Yea, here you go." She replied, and pulled a small brush out of her bag. "I don't know what you see in him you know. Methinks Garak is one hundred percent sexy. I'd bed him any time."

Caitlin wasn't surprised, she knew it was a Cardassian she had the hots for just by knowing her name. She brushed her hair and said to DarkLegate, "Thanks mate, you're a lifesaver."

When they got to the lecture hall, Julian was not yet there. The room had already been opened so they all went in anyway. This room was a little smaller than the last one, but then it only needed to hold those doing the DS9 course.

Bashir walked in, sending the Bashir fangirls into rabid fits of lust. Caitlin found her legs moving before she could stop them. It was like the whole room had gone into slow motion as a hoard of girls ran to swamp Bashir. He was knocked off his feet and then the world went blurry. Caitlin became aware of a sharp pain in her right leg, and then she blacked out.

* * *

She awoke later that day in what looked like a typical Sickbay, remembering none of the day's events. The holographic Doctor said, "Ah, Miss Barker, I'm pleased to see you are awake. Tell me, how are you feeling?"

"I'm okay, I think. What happened to me?"

"All I know is that Doctor Bashir had to beam you and several other young ladies into here with crushing related injuries. You had broken your leg."

Caitlin thought for a moment, "Then why is my leg okay now then, a broken leg takes a few weeks to heal?"

"I fixed it, all it needed was a dermal regenerator designed to fix bones. You're free to go now Miss Barker, and please, don't stampede the doctor again."

_Stampeded? I was in a stampede? I wasn't even conscious for the beamout? The Doctor came to me and I wasn't even awake. OH FUCK! THIS IS SO NOT FAIR! IN THE NAME OF ALL THINGS SACRED, WHY? What time was it even? _She looked at her watch to find that it was 1800, damn it; she'd missed Profiteering 101 with Quark. She'd probably get the work she'd missed from DarkLegate and Cassandra.

Just as she was walking towards the exit, somebody yelled to her, "Hey! Caitlin, wait up." _I recognize that voice._ She mused, and turned around the face the girl. It was Juliana Troi, but she wasn't alone, there was another three girls with her.

"Hey Juliana, how've you been keeping. I hope your day's been a bit better than mine."

"I heard you broke your leg, what happened?" Said Juliana, a little concernedly.

Caitlin said, "Don't ask. Apparently I was in a stampede, but I don't remember any of it."

One of the other girls giggled, "You stampeded Quark?"

"No, Doctor Bashir. My only regret is that I was unconscious when he beamed me to sickbay."

Juliana looked like she was about to laugh. _Damn it, why does everyone think it's so funny? It's NOT funny. _"I don't mean to laugh Caitlin, but you in a stampede?"

Caitlin didn't want to be having this conversation, it was too embarrassing. "I'll see you around." She said, "I just want to go back to my quarters and have tea."

"See ya then."

Caitlin returned to her flat, and DarkLegate said to her, "Hey mate, you feeling better?"

"A little," She answered honestly. "How many people were hurt?"

"About fifty." said DarkLegate, "Some of them are still in sickbay. I'd say you were quite lucky." She changed the subject. "Do you want some tea?"

"Yes please, what's on offer?"

"Unfortunately, the only thing I can get his replicator to make tonight is this horrible stuff called Gagh." She showed a bowl of wriggling writhing worms to Caitlin, making her stomach churn in vile convulsions.

"I think I'll pass on that one."

"I'm eating it, I'm bloody starving."

Caitlin asked, "Have either you or Cassandra started that Replicators essay?"

"No, I've just been doing Quark's homework. He wants us to outline the role of the Grand Nagus in Ferengi Society."

_What? Even MORE work? _"When does that have to be in for?"

Cassandra said, "Tomorrow Morning. Oh, and Hellfire will want a word with the whole class tomorrow morning. I don't know what about though, but I get the impression she's quite pissed off."


	6. OFUST6

**Chapter 6: Bad Application forms and Religious Studies.**

* * *

The following Morning, Caitlin awoke with her alarm as before and successfully replicated her breakfast. She'd done her essays, but no way could she find even one thousand words for Replicators, let alone three. All she had was a short paragraph which appeared to be more of a small rant about how hard they were to operate. She'd found a little about the Grand Nagus too, but knew very little except for the fact hat he was the ruler of Ferenginar and lived in the Tower of Commerce. She'd also learned that they use a strange currency called Gold Pressed Latinum.

DarkLegate said, "You got your essays done?"

"Yea." She replied, "But I hardly found anything on Replicators."

"Me neither, O'Brien will kill us for sure. We've got Religious Studies 101 first thing."

_Religious Studies, why should we have to learn about religion, it's not even a part of Star Trek! _Caitlin thought to herself. "Stupid Subject, why should we have to learn about something that pathetic anyway?"

DarkLegate replied, "Well, from what I can gather Bajoran Religion plays a big part on DS9. How I don't know, but that's what one of the girls doing TNG told me."

When they got into class, Major Kira was standing at the front. Several lads on the front row seemed to be drooling over her like lost puppies. "You boys can stop drooling over me like that." She insisted, "Otherwise you'll find yourselves spending the rest of the day in detention, in the Brigg." The offending boys sat bolt upright and looked as if they were trying to hide their tenting crotch areas.

"Right, I'm Major Kira Nerys, first officer to Captain Sisko and Liaison Officer. I'm going to be teaching you about the religious beliefs and history of my people, the Bajorans. Does anyone here know who the Emissary is?"

One of the eager-to-impress fanboys from the front row put up his hand, "Yes." asked Kira.

"Is it somebody a bit like Jesus Christ?"

"Only in the way that he was sent by the prophets. I don't know much about Earth religions, but he isn't really anything like Jesus."

The class stared at her blankly, so she added, "I'll give you a clue; he is on almost every episode." Still no response, "Lost his wife at Wolf 359, raised his son by himself."

"Rom?" Somebody called out.

Kira said, "Who said that?"

"Me" said the voice.

"Who is me? Put up your hand."

Nobody dared to respond to that as Kira's face grew dark and her eyes became like piercing daggers. "Rom divorced his wife, she isn't dead. The Emissary of the Prophets is Captain Sisko…" The door chimed. "Enter." said Kira, as calmly as she could.

Hellfire stormed in like a bat out of hell, "Excuse me Kira, may I have a word with the class?" _Ha._ Thought Caitlin _what the hell happened to her clothes? They're all pinky purple._

"Certainly." She said.

Hellfire addressed the sheepish looking class, "Right, I have three things to talk to you all about. Firstly, I haven't received a single application form from any of you. I need it to process the information very soon, so I'm handing these around now for you to fill in before it slips your minds again. Please read all questions carefully, you just might get what you wish for.

"Secondly, I'm very disappointed with those of you who stampeded Doctor Bashir yesterday. If anything like that happens ever again, there will be serious trouble and detentions.

"Lastly, whoever got their hands on all my clothes and dyed them 'urple is in serious trouble and is risking expulsion if anything like this happens again, and I will find the culprit."

The class all took a form and began to fill it in. Caitlin noticed that some of the questions were a little strange as she scanned the form.

Course:

Flat Location:

Name:

Gender:

Age:

Species: Human/Kingon/Romulan/Cardassian/Ferengi/Founder/Talaxian/Ocampan/Borg/Other Please specify…

Sexual alignment: Straight/Bisexual/Gay/Lesbian

Usual or predominant writing style: Self-Insertion/Slash/MPreg/Issues/Lemon/Squick/Other please specify

Do you have a mini-Tribble of your very own? Yes/No

Brief description of yourself:

Caitlin filled it out almost without thinking, as did every other student in the room. The forms were quickly handed back to Hellfire and she abruptly disappeared with them.

Kira continued her lesson. "Right, now then. Today I'll teach you about the Prophets. The prophets are our Gods and they reside in the Celestial Temple; most of the other officers will refer to this as the Bajoran Wormhole. Once every two thousand years, the prophets send us Orbs. Many of the Orbs were stolen from us by the Cardassians during the Occupation. The last orb sent to us was the orb of the Emissary. Does anyone have any questions?"

Cassandra put up her hand, "Well, if they are your Gods, do you have anything like the Devil, you know, bad Gods?"

Kira said, "That's the most intelligent question I've heard all day. There is in fact, they're called the Pah'Wraiths, and they reside in the Fire Caverns of Bajor. Some of the more misguided among my people worship them as the true Gods, and wish for them to claim the celestial temple. The Emissary of the Pah'Wraiths is Gul Dukat. He is the former Prefect of Terok Nor. That is the name the Cardassians gave to Deep Space Nine."

Kira gave a wicked smile, "Now it's time for me to assign your homework. I will expect this essay handed in tomorrow morning. Research and write a two thousand word essay on the role of Captain Sisko in Bajoran Religion. Class Dismissed."

The whole class groaned. _Not another essay, don't they think we need sleep._ Kira looked around at the dismayed faces, "Make that four thousand words, for complaining."


	7. OFUST7

**Chapter 7: The Color 'Urple**

* * *

A few days after the application forms had been submitted; many students had a very rude awakening – literally. DarkLegate woke Caitlin up by banging on her door screaming blue murder. Caitlin woke up in a daze and let DarkLegate in. The girl was barely recognizable and clearly traumatized. She had become a Cardassian, literally overnight. She had the facial ridges, the hair, and the neck. Caitlin was stunned speechless for a few seconds.

DarkLegate screamed, "I can't leave the building like this, what happened to me?"

_I'd like to know the same thing. _"Dunno. We could take you to sickbay."

"HELLO, I can't leave the flat in this state." She wailed.

They were silenced by a piercing scream from next door; it wasn't from Cassandra, but from room C. Jack who lived in there came running out of his room, he had become a Trill. "Look!" He yelled, "What the fuck is this? I look like a Pizza face or something."

DarkLegate felt a bit annoyed at him, he was complaining about a few spots? "You think you've got it rough? Look at me. My wardrobe had been changed too! All of my clothes are Cardassian Military attire. At least you still get your Starfleet Cadet uniform, and why is it so cold in here?"

Cassandra emerged from her room to see what the ruckus was about. She was bright blue and had ridge running down the middle of her face. She had become a Bolian. "You lot too?"

Jack asked Caitlin, "What species did you put on your form?"

"Betazoid."

"That explains why you still look Human. Do you feel any different?"

"Actually, I do. I just feel confused, not like just about how you've all changed. I mean I feel confusion that doesn't feel like mine. I know that probably made no sense whatsoever, but that's the best way of describing it."

Jack said, "I remember now from an episode of TNG, you're becoming telepathic."

"Holy Shit!" _That's all I need, other people's baggage wafting round in my head. I can barely cope with my own right now._

Cassandra said, "Well look, if we don't go to class, we'll all end up in detention, and I don't fancy an evening in the Brigg. Hopefully other people will have ended up in a similar situation."

So they went into class after all, only to find that all classes had been cancelled for the day. Instead, there was to be an assembly for the morning in the main Hall. So they made their way there. There were people appearing to be of all races. DarkLegate was quite pleased to see that she wasn't the only one. Cassandra was taking her blue skin much better.

Hellfire walked into the Hall, and addressed the crowd. She was still wearing 'Urple clothes. "You may all be wondering what has happened to you last night. I processed your application forms, and let me say that you have just what you asked for.

"Something however does baffle me, why there are so many male lesbians. I can honestly say that during all of my time as a course coordinator, I've never seen a male lesbian before.

"I will add now that the offender who dyed all of my clothes has struck again. My whole office is now this horrendous color. Whoever you are, I will find you, and woes betide you when I do."

Captain Picard spoke, "Unfortunately, there is another not-so-small problem. The mini-Tribbles have been either kidnapped or are on the loose. The Bog Kween and Dater are extremely fertile and will breed like mad if we do not find them soon. If any of you find a mini-Tribble, please return it to my office immediately. We don't want to become overrun by them. If you are Klingon, please disregard this, otherwise you may get bitten. They don't like Klingons you see."

With that Hellfire wrapped it up, "I'll give you today off to get used to your new species. I will however insist that each of you look into the customs and beliefs of your chosen species, and hand the assignment in to a lecturer of your species. Classes will be on tomorrow as normal."

That was all, the assembly was over. They all headed back to their quarters to recuperate and to get used to what they'd just learned. Something still puzzled Caitlin, _who was spreading the color 'Urple?_ She didn't mind the color herself, but the lecturers appeared to hate it.


End file.
